I've been running into this feeling of wanting to quit a lot lately. Mostly because, I think, I'm completely overwhelmed about some things that I just haven't been able to find my way through yet. And, of course, it's all a mirror for other, earlier times when I've just wanted to quit. So last night I decided to do some tapping and see where it took me. Deep into the "I quit, I'm done playing your games, I don't care if I get your approval or not, I'm done!" *stick out tongue* And I realized, when I've gotten to this point before, I've never really ACTUALLY quit! I haven't loosened the snares, stepped out, and released all ties to whatever I was engulfed in. What I had really done was frozen and refused to make a decision, hoping that the other person/entity/whatever would see my complete and utter frustration and meet ME where I was with compassion. Whoa! So really, I had used this "I quit" as a way of attempting to diffuse the situation and hopefully get the other to make some kind of action since I was so full of fear/hurt/overwhelm that I couldn't.
An example of this is I'm told that I used to hold my breath until I turned blue because I was angry. And I can see so clearly now that holding my breath was my attempt to quit. If I couldn't get this life thing right (because everyone kept telling me I was doing it wrong) then I'd just quit living! Did I really want to die? No, but I think it was my way of trying to communicate to the adults around me that I could.not.take.anymore. I really needed confirmation that what was most important to them was ME and that I was there with them, and have them lay aside the fact that I wasn't picking up my toys, or hurrying fast enough, or eating my spinach. That the fact that I wasn't doing what they thought I should wasn't truly making me unworthy or "bad". That what mattered more than those actions was who I truly was, and that they loved the real me no matter what I did or didn't do. That was not the response I got.
An example of this is I'm told that I used to hold my breath until I turned blue because I was angry. And I can see so clearly now that holding my breath was my attempt to quit. If I couldn't get this life thing right (because everyone kept telling me I was doing it wrong) then I'd just quit living! Did I really want to die? No, but I think it was my way of trying to communicate to the adults around me that I could.not.take.anymore. I really needed confirmation that what was most important to them was ME and that I was there with them, and have them lay aside the fact that I wasn't picking up my toys, or hurrying fast enough, or eating my spinach. That the fact that I wasn't doing what they thought I should wasn't truly making me unworthy or "bad". That what mattered more than those actions was who I truly was, and that they loved the real me no matter what I did or didn't do. That was not the response I got.
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