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My Depression Journey part 1.5

6/5/2014

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This post is part of a series of posts I am writing about my experience of depression earlier in my life and my experience of it now.  My hope is that it both helps me find my way out again and helps bring peace and light and understanding to others on their own journeys.  <3
I have a pretty clear picture of what triggered my initial depression when I was a child (as described in My Depression Journey part 1 ).  So what is triggering it now?  I did not have another experience of abuse like I had the first time.  Yes, I understand that I need to write about it (and I wouldn't have written about it if I wasn't in a place where I HAD to) but I know there is more. 

Two years ago I felt like I was flying high.  I felt loved, I felt happy, I felt like I was starting to learn how to use my own wings.  The high point was a year and a half ago.  I attended the Awesomism 12/12/12 event in Sedona Arizona and it was AMAZING.  It was the first time since having kids that I had gone off on my own and done something.  And I was with an amazing group of people who had been loving me and supporting me from afar for the previous year, maybe two if I count my time in the New Human Experience Project. 

When people ask what Awesomism is my answer is usually that it is a look at the spiritual and brilliance side of autism.  It is really hard for me to explain, and my brain frequently let me know how crazy it was, but I felt called to it nonetheless.  My heart knew I needed to be there.  And through the New Human Experience Project and the Awesomism level one certification process I came to know and love myself more than I ever had.  The weird things that go tumbling around in my brain that I don't dare to say I was able to let out and have people say they they felt similar, or at least they were curious and interested instead of being horrified or angry or just plain thinking I was insane.  I was able to find people who experienced the world in ways similar to how I experience it.  I was able to see how there might be a gift hidden in the problems I have had being here on Earth.  I was encouraged in my art and allowed to experiment and get feedback.  My heart was expanding and glowing brighter and brighter.

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My Depression Journey part 1

6/5/2014

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**** trigger warning- mentions sexual abuse ****
I have been struggling, for awhile now, going deeper into this world called depression again.  Last fall I looked around and said "Yup, I'm here again.  Depression." At that time it wasn't very bad, I just recognized it.  I have bounced in and out of it since, but find myself in it more than out of it lately.  Really it's the first time I've been back here since I worked through it and got out of it 8 years ago.  I've questioned why I'm here again, and I've come to understand that part of it is the same reason that surfaced when I wrote Why I Can't Cry right around this time last year.  I have to communicate it to fully move through it.  I think there are some other reasons as well, but that is a big one.

So, I will be writing a series of posts about my depression journey where I talk about my experience of depression earlier in my life and how that relates to my experience now.  I hope it both helps me find my way out again and helps bring peace and light and understanding to others on their own journeys.  <3

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I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 4 or 5.  My mom said I just started to physically attack her and she didn't know why and that I was out of control.  There had been some stress at that point- my dad had almost died (I vividly remember being sneaked into the  hospital to visit him).  My parents were having marital issues.  Other than that, no one ever really gave me a reason why it happened.  I was put in therapy.  I'm pretty sure it was play therapy because I remember a doll house and some other toys.  I think I found it a pleasant place, but I don't know how much I opened up to them.  I guess the therapy helped make my depression manageable, or they just weren't ready to take the plunge into medication yet.  But that was my mysterious, hazy move into this world called depression.

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    My name is Kathryn Long

    I am sensitive introvert who is recovering my artistic side and uncovering and finding the courage to be the person I came here to be.  I firmly believe that our differences make us stronger, our similarities bring us together, and our love connects us into one big messy, complicated, amazing family!

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