I mean EPIC.  Feels like my chest is swelling and my chin raised is raised.  Like I am right on the cusp of something completely Earth shattering.  Like life is about to never be the same again, or at least I am going to be so changed that I'll never be able to see it that way again.  Like I'm cloaked in courage with a cloud of fear swirling around while huge, seminal things are being shattered and destroyed.  Apprehension, Anticipation, fear in the pit of my stomach, driven to jump out of my skin and act heroically. Like I am about to burst from all of this pressure leading up to this huge thing and its intensity is more than I can bear.  Like my stomach is in knots almost to the point of being sick.  Like there is something huge caught in my throat both wanting to jump free and be swallowed and buried.  Like I desperately need to use my muscles in strong, forceful, desperate ways.  Like whatever is going on is so huge I can't just sit by and watch, I have to do something, have to take part. Like every bit of me that can be tested is being tested.  All I need is a ring or a sword or a wand or an arch nemesis.  Something to focus this feeling on, to explain its existence. 

 I have many friends who are going through epic things in their lives- huge family and marital challenges, cancer, death, moving cross country, babies coming too early.  On a larger scale there is the possibility of making war more widespread than it already is.  I'm sure I'm picking up on quite a bit of that.  But in my own personal life. . . I don't know.  I'm having some health challenges that have necessitated setting aside our homeschool groups for a few weeks at least.  Life has slowed down, and I have been challenged to see what is the MOST important in my life and make specific time for that.  Which has been a challenge.  Also learning to actually really and truly take care of myself. I'm slowly making progress with that one (which is a positive way of saying that I kinda suck at it.  But I'm not saying that. ;) )  I have realized, I can ALWAYS make myself busy and come up with more things to stress out about having to do even when I'm staying home and not going anywhere.  I only have the energy for a few things, though, so I have to really decide (UGH! I want to do it ALL!)  That laundry list of things I've always thought I need to do but didn't have the time because I wasn't home constantly.  Yeah, had to toss that after I noticed that I was making myself worse and was ADDING things to my days that were sucking up my energy but really didn't matter that much right here at this moment.  I have been learning to be slower, to reduce my time multi-tasking, to eliminate things that aren't either true necessities or bring us a crazy amount of joy.  (Most of those things on my list were not happiness-inducing.  They were there because I thought I needed to be doing them to be doing "enough".  Which is a whole other post on its own!)  Still, though, there's been this feeling inside of me calling me to step out beyond fear, to march forward bravely, to be heroic.  To stand on a mountain with my hands on my hips, taking a deep breath with the golden sun shining on me just so, butterflies trying to burst out of my stomach and about to leap off into the perilous unknown.  How on earth could my current life be epic?

So today is an important day.  Those of us who are old enough to remember it don't have to be told what 9/11 means.  It's a day that created a lot of terror, pain, incredibly deep sadness, anger, and hate, 12 years ago.  It's a day we "will not forget". 

But what does it mean to "not forget"?  Does it mean to always hold onto anger and hate? To bitterness and sadness?  Is that what we want when we remember?  Is it possible to remember without it?  Is it even possible to forgive that kind of act?  To find peace?  To find trust in the world again after it has been shattered by an unthinkable act?  Is the kind of world we want to have even possible if we all hold onto the feelings we felt that day?

And if it IS possible, then how?  How can we move beyond that terror and anger and wish for revenge?