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Disconnected and Doubtful- Authentically Honest

12/26/2013

Over the last few weeks, on and off, I've been feeling like I'm not sure of anything. I've been doubting what I have previously been sure about. Feeling naked and frail and like everything that I'd connected to before had released me and allowed me to drift, or fall, or float. Doubting what I created this site to help other people find. That was really a slap in the face. Did I create it for nothing? Here I am, thinking I have a hold of something that has helped me and can help others, and all of a sudden I don't have a hold of it. Don't have a hold of anything. Have I been wrong this entire time?

And then I remembered that I didn't create this site because I had the right answers. I created this site to be a place where I and others could be completely honest about our experiences, and by doing so start to come out of hiding and start to be our true selves in the world. Before the brilliance comes the authenticity. And right now, that's where I am. Maybe you are too? In the authentic part that often looks messy? I also remembered that I seem to need to communicate how I'm feeling before I can move through it. So I'll start.

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The Next Step

12/9/2013

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I've been doing a lot of fretting lately. Flipping from feeling hopeless and helpless to overwhelming myself with things I need to figure out for, say, next summer. I have a hard time with planning because I see the big picture, see where I'm going to end up, see what I'll need to do, and then I flip out and can't do anything. It's really not very productive and I've probably missed out on tons of really awesome things because I get freaked out by where I'll be and what I'll be doing at the end.

I've been taking nearly nightly epsom salt baths at night to help me relax this past week. Attempt to relax at least. Tonight in the bath I worked myself up really well thinking about our pond plans for next spring (we have ducks and they make big messes!) and what we're going to have to buy and what it's going to entail and what I'll have to figure out. It wasn't pretty and I was definitely NOT relaxed.

I tried to bring myself back to my body. Just breathe. Watch my belly go up and down. Feel my feet. That helped some. I remembered that the pond is not something I can do anything about right now, especially with it being frozen. And I realized that beneath the pond stuff I was actually freaking out about a bunch of other things in the future and not really knowing how to get there. I asked myself what I COULD do, and this painting popped into my head. I painted it this spring I think, but I don't have a place for it yet so it's just laying in a pile of paintings. But it points to the key. Just take the NEXT step and trust. Don't worry about where the path is going, don't worry that I might not be able to make it there. Step where I feel led and trust that the one guiding me knows what I need to do. It has worked really well when I have done it in the past, but I forget sometimes. Okay, a lot. :)

An interesting thing about this painting is that I had a plan about how I wanted it to look. The water further downstream was going to reasonably and realistically flow past the words and off the page. But while I was painting that vision disappeared and I just put paint where it felt it should be. And when I stepped back I was kind of disappointed because it looks as if the water is flowing up into the sky or something unrealistic like that. And at first I was frustrated at myself and tried to figure out how to fix it. And then I realized that that was part of the message too. Just trusting and focusing on the next step has the potential of taking me far beyond my reasonable and realistic vision of where I am going. And since that reasonable and realistic vision often freaks me out, it's very possible that the path I'm being led on would shake me deep into my roots if I knew where it ended up. But maybe, just maybe, that's where I have the potential to be. Where I am going to do what I came here to do. And thankfully, I don't have to draw the map of how to get there. I just have to take the next step and trust.

Is there any part of your life that would be helped by letting go of the big picture and just focusing on your next step?

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For anyone who may want this painting in their own space as a reminder to just take the next step and trust, I made a few products on Zazzle. If there's a way you would like it to be with you that you don't see I'd be happy to make it for you!

Take the Next Step and Trust Magnet by authenticbrilliant
Shop for another vinyl magnet

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Disconnected and Doubtful- Authentically Honest

The Next Step

My name is Kathryn Long

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