Over the last few weeks, on and off, I've been feeling like I'm not sure of anything. I've been doubting what I have previously been sure about. Feeling naked and frail and like everything that I'd connected to before had released me and allowed me to drift, or fall, or float. Doubting what I created this site to help other people find. That was really a slap in the face. Did I create it for nothing? Here I am, thinking I have a hold of something that has helped me and can help others, and all of a sudden I don't have a hold of it. Don't have a hold of anything. Have I been wrong this entire time?
And then I remembered that I didn't create this site because I had the right answers. I created this site to be a place where I and others could be completely honest about our experiences, and by doing so start to come out of hiding and start to be our true selves in the world. Before the brilliance comes the authenticity. And right now, that's where I am. Maybe you are too? In the authentic part that often looks messy? I also remembered that I seem to need to communicate how I'm feeling before I can move through it. So I'll start.
And then I remembered that I didn't create this site because I had the right answers. I created this site to be a place where I and others could be completely honest about our experiences, and by doing so start to come out of hiding and start to be our true selves in the world. Before the brilliance comes the authenticity. And right now, that's where I am. Maybe you are too? In the authentic part that often looks messy? I also remembered that I seem to need to communicate how I'm feeling before I can move through it. So I'll start.
There have been some stories in the media lately that have garnered lots of attention. And when I'd read something that aligned with how I would have responded before, I'd feel nothing. No "Yeah, that's how I feel. That's it." and feel the warm feeling of confirmation inside. I'd just feel emptiness. And then I'd read something that didn't align with how I've felt before, and I'd feel nothing. No "Nope, that's not right for me." no "That's wrong and I don't agree." Again, just emptiness. And I'd read more and nothing would seem right to me. Which led my mind into a panic- what if what I've felt was wrong for me was actually right? Have I just been too wishy-washy and afraid of upsetting anyone? Have I been too weak to say what really needed to be said and I'd convinced myself that it was wrong? Maybe we DON'T all have amazing unique gifts that we have to let go of the mold to allow ourselves to be? Maybe it really is all about following the rules and shoving ourselves into this "correct" mold and not acting on anything else? I mean, we have such a brief time here, comparitively. We get an eternity to be our unique spiritual selves within the love and support that is God. Why bother trying to be that in this body on this Earth? Why not just work hard to conform? It won't be fun or feel good, but maybe that's not the point? Maybe the point of life on Earth is to make yourself as miserable as possible so you can have earned the right to being an infinite spirit surrounded by love again?
Finally that got me feeling something. That's NOT it. Kinda tempting, though. I'm good at miserable, I've done it for long periods of time and managed. I can handle it. In some ways it would be easier to just follow rules and not have to think and just be sure I'm always doing the right thing. This not being sure that anything is right thing is a really hard place to be. I guess growth always is though.
It seems like the biggest challenge available to me would be to figure out how to take all of those unique, amazing qualities of my spirit and express them where they've never been expressed before- in this physical body. If I didn't come here to mindlessly suffer, is it possible that the opposite is true? I came here to mindfully comfort and find joy? That feels a little more true. But just a little. Where is the ground I used to walk on? The things I would grab for support? Where have they gone?
This fall and holiday season have been so odd for me. Normally fall brings with it bursts of energy, feelings of internal expansion and excitement, and simple joy. I love the way the forest smells and the color of the sky. I love the crunching of the leaves underfoot. I love the cold winds that start to chill but the hot sun that warms dark sweatshirts and keeps the chill at bay. I especially love all the amazing colors that have stayed unseen under green all summer long but reveal themselves in dazzling intensity. The sound of the wind blowing the leaves is like wind chimes to my ears.
This year I didn't feel it. Here and there, for brief seconds I'd get a glimpse, but mostly that energizing feeling was absent.
And then moving into the holiday season. Normally I love Christmas music and will listen to it any time of the year because of the joy it fills me with. I seem to connect with the Divine more readily through music than any other way. Singing carols often brings me to tears. And I love the tree with the evergreen smell and the lights and the smells of cinnamon and cloves and nutmeg. All of these things make me swell with joy inside. There is an electricity that buzzes through my heart.
Not this year.
I'll admit, I've been kinda depressed. My health hasn't been the greatest and I've had trouble sleeping. But it seems bigger than that. I've heard from many people that this year just hasn't felt the same. Fall hasn't felt the same, the holidays haven't felt the same as they always have. There is a familiarity that just hasn't been there. I'm wondering if the people who have been arguing their sides so loud and hard have been feeling that disconnection too, and they're hoping that if they argue what they've always believed loud enough and long enough that feeling of certainty will come back.
Maybe this disconnection is actually a gift. Maybe what we've been clinging to to help us stay upright hasn't been the healthiest for us. Maybe it has actually been hurting us. Or maybe it has been exactly what we need. Or needed. In all this struggling with the doubting I've had to remind myself that just because something was right for me before doesn't mean it will be right for me always. And the fact that it's not right for me now doesn't mean it was actually wrong for me before. It's right for the caterpillar to stay hidden in the cocoon while it is a transforming clump of goo. But staying hidden in the cocoon when it's a butterfly will kill it. Things that were right for one stage of my life may need to be released before I can move onto what is right for the next stage.
And maybe that's what is going on right now. Maybe I am moving to a new stage. Maybe you are too? Maybe lots of us are. And in order for us to grab a hold of what we need for that next stage, we have to totally and completely let go of everything from this stage. And then we have to float, or fall, or drift for a bit to help us to recalibrate. And when the time is right we'll feel drawn towards what we need now. But we can't push it or in our desperate attempt to feel connected and stable we may grab onto the same old things again, things that won't support us in where we need to go.
*Deep Breath* It could be fun to pretend to be an astronaut floating around in zero gravity for awhile I guess. An astronaut who knows that re-entry will be happening at some point in the future and that it can't be forced or rushed. And who knows that re-entry may deliver me into a brand new world, full of amazement and light like I've never experienced on a planet before. Yeah, I can do this. You too?
Love to you all. <3
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