As I was putting the finishing touches on the site today, I got the familiar ache, the grip of fear. Maybe I should just stay hidden, wait a little longer to publish the site, until it feels safer. But I reminded myself that I truly believe deep down that all of our differences are actually our strengths, and that the world would be an amazing place if we all let our individual brilliances shine. And if I want a world like that I have to be willing to let that include MY differences (NOT "everyone else is amazing but I suck") and do what it takes to create that in my world, not wait around for someone to give me permission and clear the way. Only I can give myself permission and clear the way.
And just to reinforce all of that, tonight my family and I watched The Croods. I knew nothing about it except that the characters are cave people and I have friends who love it. But oh, oh, oh it was just what I needed to watch! At the beginning they live in a cave, blocked in by a stone for days at a time. Life is all about being afraid and making sure you don't die. But as they make it through the challenges in the movie they decide that it's better to be out in the light living instead of just not dying. Which is exactly the thing I'd figured out a few weeks ago when the topic of suicide had come up repeatedly in my world. I realized that I had made the decision quite awhile ago not to die (because it had been up for consideration many, many times) but that I hadn't decided to LIVE and that they are actually two different things. Chosing to live can seem so much scarier, so different and unknown, so much easier to get knocked about than when we're in our nice dark caves. But if I'm in a cave I'm not doing what I came here to do, giving what I came here to give. And I'm ready to do that now. Hiding is getting boring. ;) So here I am, stepping into the light, ready to start. Thank you for being here, too. <3